COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE

 

 

I. Communication is always filtered

II. Truly listening to the other person honors, values and respects them.

III. Communication is the meeting of meanings (co-meaning)

IV. If, after passing through the above dual filters, the meaning received is close to the meaning intended communication has taken place.

Filters: expectations — hopes, fears, needs.

The speaker carries the responsibility to clarify the message.

He/she is not responsible for the listener’s filter.

The listener is responsible to sort out the message until he is sure of the intended meaning.

It is important to doubt the meanings first assigned to the speaker.

 V. Meanings will never perfectly match.

 VI. It is important to hear both the negative and the positive meanings.

VII. It is important not to get into the excuse/accuse syndrome.

VIII. Value the distinctiveness of the other.

IX. A relationship is as good as its communication is mutual

X. Each of us selects (either consciously or unconsciously) what we want to hear.

When a negative attitude is held toward another, positive information will be automatically ignored or missed.

Hearing disorders:

Rule out the speaker.

Premature conclusion.

Reading in expectations.

Reading out threats.

Racing ahead.

Reaction to trigger words.

Rejecting the person.

 XI. Under stress the lowest levels of communication take place.

A threat cares little for the other person.

Manipulation distorts communication:

outmaneuver

outsmart

seduce

deception

pretense

shaming

guilt

dominance

submission

oppression

martyrdom

teasing

tempting

Proper communication requires a fuller appreciation of the other’s values, views, priorities and goals.

XII. Principles:

Remember all communication is filtered.

Learn spouse/friend’s communication language.

Find the primary language.

Don’t abuse the primary language.

Partial language may be heard in reverse.

Eliminate the negative.